Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Ok, now I can put my big girl pants back on...

During my pregnancy, I was fortunate enough to get an earful of not only the joys of motherhood, but also the challenges of know, the things that most people DON'T share with you...but no amount of warnings could truly prepare you for what happens once the baby arrives! I love my baby girl soooooo much, my love for her is indescribable. Her sweet little face and all those cute faces she makes when she squirms and stretches, and that smile...oh that smile...just makes my heart melt! Just having her in my life and being blessed to experience all those precious moments together makes the trials and tribulations of motherhood worth every minute....BUT...let's be honest...I'm only human and more importantly, I'm a emotional woman (on the inside). On the outside, I seem to have it all together and have control over my emotions, but on the inside, I"m just as fragile as any other human being and sometimes I just need to break down my wall for just a moment, vent and release any negative emotions, so that I can move on. So I would just like to take this moment to vent...then I'll piece myself back together, put my big girl panties back on, and smile...

1. Exhaustion - I would like to quote a facebook friend's status in which she created her own word of this emotion..."Exhaustipated - too tired to give a shit!"... It's bold, but I like it! In the last 5 weeks, Lyra continues to only sleep no more than 2 to 3 hours at a time, during the night. During the day, she use to sleep for the same amount, but in the last week she has only been sleeping for 30 to 90 minutes at a time. Either way, it leaves very little time to sleep or get anything done. I have learned to take more advantage of napping when she sleeps, but any amount of sleep of three hours or less does not allow you to get a deep sleep which is why I usually feel more tired each time I have to wake up again to feed her. The daytime is easier on my emotional state, but once the sun sets, my body begins shutting down and I begin to care less about anything...I just want to go to sleep! I wish I could see my husband more during the day because that is when I am a much more pleasant person. By the time he gets home, I have little to nothing left to give emotionally and I'm kind of a grump. I try really hard not to be and I'm 110% appreciative of all his efforts, but my exhaustion takes over and shines through.

2. My body - (a.) Dark circles. It's like I can hear my reflection screaming at me to put make-up on! lol. I couldn't be more appreciative of my concealer and what a difference a little mascara, blush, and lip gloss makes. (b.) I am in desperate need of a tan! I feel so pale, but i'm not even going to bother getting a tan until I'm back in the physical state I want to be. (c.) I feel fat...yes, little me feels fat, but also too skinny at the same time! I know that sounds weird so let me explain. I feel fat because my lower stomach is not as toned as it once was. Again I know, I just had a baby via c-section and it's only been 5 weeks, but I'm just not comfortable with extra rolls of skin hanging over my jeans when I sit down and as soon as I can get back to working out, that will be the first area I work on. I feel too skinny because I think I have lost some muscle tone in my arms and legs or just all around. I didn't exercise much while pregnant, just the small amount of dancing I did at work, but that was the extent and I miss how much more toned I looked pre-pregger. Who else would you know that would complain about being too skinny?!?

3. I miss my Mom - oh how do I miss her so! I use to always tell her that I knew I would need her most in my life when I had children. On my hard days, all I want is a hug from my mom and to hear her say it's going to be okay and tell me all the ups and downs of motherhood when I was a baby. When I talk to Lyra, sometimes I like to tell her some of the stories I would think my mom would share with her...I wish I could remember more of them and I especially wish I knew more of them. I hate that I'll never get to see my Mom hold Lyra and spoil her like I know she would. I hate that Lyra will never know the amazing grandmother she would have. I hate that she will never experience the amount of love my Mom would have for her. Nothing could ever make up for the fact that mom is not physically present in Lyra's life, but it helps to remind myself that she remains with us in spirit. I truly believe that babies and young children can see or are aware of a spiritual presence and I believe Lyra can see or hear my mom in some way.  

So there you go...I'm sure I can think of more, but I know Lyra is going to wake up any minute now so i figure I'll just add more later. But as I said, I just needed a moment to let my feelings out, whether anyone reads them or not, and then I can feel better. I promise I am an optimistic person and more often than not I tend to focus on the positive side of all situations, but this post is not one of those times and if you are a mother yourself, then you know exactly where I'm coming from!

I'll even leave you on a good note...

Lyra had her one month check up today and her stats are as follow:
Weight: 6 lbs 13 oz (1 percentile) lol
Height: 20.5 in (15th percentile)

If she continues to take after me, then her entire life she will remain in the bottom of the will be the story of her life, just like mine! She will be a grown woman who can still fit into kid sizes :)

St. Paddy's Day pic

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